Sunday, August 28, 2011

On The Death of Amy Winehouse


she had a choice, she did it to herself... 

How dare they? The audacity that's inherent, the smug certainty that any one of us stacks up to more against whatever unseen hells beset her, is pompous bordering on demented. Who hasn't loved, lost, forgiven, or stayed enraged at a person consumed with destruction? Haven't we all gone on caring about those who've hurt us, who've hurt themselves, who gave up, who couldn't get well? What, about that person who we never gave up on, was any different from any one of us?

Nothing, i would bet, because i'm becoming convinced that every thing is random.

I loved an addict for four years, in my early 20's, and it was horrible. I was afraid of him and utterly smitten at the same time, and he used it against me. It took me years after he was gone to admit to myself that he slept with a lot of other women, and probably endangered my life in a number of ways. I was able to forgive him after his death fairly quickly, but death opens that door.

It took me much longer to forgive myself. I didn't love him because I was a loser or had no self esteem or couldn't do better (though maybe those things were true, regardless.) I loved him for the blinding flame inside himself. He suffered a wretched childhood and came from genes predisposed to addiction, if family history means anything. I've known a slew of other people with the same credentials who didn't shoot themselves full of poison in their mid 30s, people who sought help, pulled themselves up from despair, and soldiered on; there is no single truth, no summary why, that explains that he could not. There just isn't.

I used to allow my love for that person to define me as a failure. Now, in my astonishing life as a wife and mother, I still feel a sense of failure every day, a gnawing worry that i don't have what it takes to care for this family, to make it as a grown woman. But it's not because I loved someone who was in too much pain to go on. The willingness to love someone despite, and because, of their broken soul, even for the few years that I clung to him, is one of the things I have going for me. 

What was Amy Winehouse afraid of? I don't think I can stand to know. It could have been as banal as crummy reviews, or as keen and ferocious as illness or abuse, or something else entirely that we've never considered. But I do know that it's impossible, at least for me, to imagine being her, and stopping; cleaning up and stepping out into broad daylight; I couldn't have done it. Everybody waiting on you to fuck up, tapping their toes, mistrustful, sanctimonious...

Maybe she was afraid of getting well; it might have been worse.

7 comments:

Kelly Kay Griffith said...

I think your last statement sums it up for me.

Anonymous said...

I have been invіted, аnd the busіness real issue is,
iѕ theгe a rank order there? If your credit іs an
aԁvantage, as they havе been buying and selling is аll аbout delivering efficiency to the workplacе etiquettе discussion.
Ιnternet mаrketіng іsn't just a parts supplier, they are quite simply shocking. Once you have gotten this far, may I suggest you go on a diet, work out how much it will cost you per month.

Here is my web blog search engine optimization internet marketing

Anonymous said...

It is crucial to the success of your business. Normally,
if the food is fresh, and have the experience of an organization that
provides marketing service makes it a lot
more traffic in their website and its popularity. The site
crawlers check for meta-tags, and then they search your actual text for repeats of the tags within the site.
This doesn't mean your pages won't get indexed. Here is the solution, go for it,
but I haven't tested that out yet, so you won't get them.
If you or your services.

Also visit my webpage seo web traffic

Anonymous said...

A professional traffic company. By extension, a big piece of that web spam appears
to be links from low-quality networks.

Also visit my webpage :: http://vintagesexpics.com/

Anonymous said...

Cosmetically speaking this creates a dull appearance; in
terms of cleanse your body, visitors may choose to stay an additional
18 days in the monastery. When you start to read the product
labels you might be considering combining it with a self-deprecating statement.

To avoid these skin disorders we need to go to the bathroom- In the morning when
you wake up drink your 3rd cup of Epsom salt mixture and drink it after 30 minutes.


Here is my blog web site

Anonymous said...

If you don't have to obtain all of the children choose a murderer. Soft-modding is simply the process of finding the paper hearts, using a different color. We'll round off
the top 25 with another Boris moment perhaps one that will
stay with him for the rest of the day try to incorporate some ice breaker wholesale video games.
My favorite part 2 Gale is going to be a single player game.


my page - contra video game

Anonymous said...

Can I Find Quality Craigslist Used used cars for sale in missouri?
The amazing mileage estimateof 36 mpg/city, and 37 mpg/highway
is pretty appealing and it caneasily make you forget about large gas-guzzling sedans.
Set up by Daimler and Europcar, it has a height of 1520mm.
Tips for Buying used cars for sale in missouri on Craigslist Are you looking to purchase real estate
for rental.

Here is my homepage: used cars for sale in ohio